another emotional post rather than something trying to be funny

Why I am up at 2am in the morning blogging away, I have no idea. I have a massive amount of things I feel like saying but a general lack of people who either give a damn or aren’t weighed down by their own problems. Maybe I feel if I write this all out I’ll feel better when I wake up in the morning, but it’s unlikely. I just feel things in my life are continuously fluctuating between good and bad, pleasant and unpleasant, happy and miserable. There is so much conflict and instability in my life right now I feel like it’s becoming unbearable, as if I have to desperately find my footing again and somehow try to gain some certainty. I just feel like I’m going nowhere, that nothing will ever improve, that I’ll never have that level of satisfaction I used to have. Something is always wrong, dragging me down, pressing in the back of my mind, affecting everything. I can never feel as happy as I know I should be, I know I should enjoy myself but it’s a constant struggle. I just can’t help but think : Do I really have a purpose? What am I supposed to be doing with myself? Where am I supposed to be heading? What am I going to do?

It’s not constructive and its draining but it’s how I feel. I’m stuck dwelling in my own negative thoughts, over and over again, drowning me. Everyday I have to think about how much pain and suffering you’ve caused me and somehow I’m supposed to be ok with that, somehow it’s not supposed to matter anymore, but it does. And it hurts, it really heartwrentchingly, crushingly, agonisingly hurts. I just feel like on that day, you destroyed every essence of my being. You killed me.

And now I try not to think about it. I don’t bring it up, I don’t talk about it, I change the subject when others do. But it’s difficult, I have to rebuild myself. Re-evaluate who I am and what is supposedly wrong with me. I just feel awful about it, that I’ll probably never speak to someone again who I have so much history with and among the bad memories, many good ones. But I think you’ve made your choice pretty clear.

But maybe I am doing better now. I no longer believe those words and question myself all the time.  Then I think “What the Hell” and do something that used to make me uncomfortable, but now liberates me. And amongst the uncertainty, and fear and insecurity I have those moments, where I think “I will actually be alright” whether I’m racking the treadmill up to 14kms an hr and not slipping off, or stuffing my face on a nandos woman date with my bestfriend or feeling so much affection and acceptance as he puts his arms around me as we look at the stars.

It’s confusing, feeling so loved and wanted by some and absolutely despised, disrespected and unwanted by others. I look at my family and I can tell they don’t want me around. Sometimes when I’m on my own I just feel so overwhelmingly lonely that I know if I let myself feel it completely I would not be able to handle it.

I don’t know if you will ever read this, or if anyone else of any significance will ever read this but I just wanted someone to know how I feel without the judgement, without me having to play it down, without having to pretend I feel ok.

Acceptance

Human beings, as social creatures are subjected to human company for the duration of their lifetime. It cannot be avoided. It begins when the human is born and the first other humans they are introduced to are their parents. Parents nurture, educate, discipline and influence the child. The child’s first sense of identity is formed based on their parent’s opinion and influence. They are young, they are inferior, and they are easily influenced. Nothing is questioned. And then that child grows, they develop independence, knowledge, values and views. They are still inferior, they are still a child, and they are still easily influenced. The child becomes a teenager. They think they are in charge, independent, on the same level, they think they know who they are, they think they know what their identity is, what they must do and become. But they don’t. Some develop a sense of identity and independence faster than others. Some rely on friends to validate their self-worth; some rely on boyfriends/girlfriends. Some are comfortable in their own skin; some feel like they need someone to make their right to exist justified. Why is it that some people cannot build themselves up but need someone else? Why is it that some people are never satisfied with what they have? What do they want? Acceptance. Teenagers, trying to form their identity at the same time are craving acceptance, having one may compromise the other. Which is more important? Loving yourself or being loved? Which gives more satisfaction? Is it ok that you compromise your own wants and needs to please others? Or is it worse that you are not accepted because you choose to be yourself? Why is it so difficult for people to accept others? Why is it so difficult for people to accept themselves? Why is it so difficult to disregard someone else’s criticism yet so easy to dismiss someone else’s praise?

Because we are still young, still inferior and still easy influenced. Yet this time it’s not our parents that will determine who we are and what we do its people like us. It’s people who will compromise self-acceptance for acceptance by peers who will in turn not accept others. It’s people not happy with themselves that pick out the most flaws. It’s people who hate themselves who will hate others. It’s people who have been rejected, mistreated, abused who will reject, mistreat and abuse others. No one treats anyone how they want to be treated. No one will accept anyone when they can’t accept themselves. It all comes down to acceptance, approval, self-worth, satisfaction. Human beings are social creatures; after all, acceptance is the key to survival.

a casual post turned into a gym rant

Hello All.
It has been so long since my last post that I'm not even sure what to blog about anymore. It's funny when something so massive and emotionally draining happens in your life that the little things no longer annoy you anymore. I feel kinda bad, superficial for being so cynical, maybe I'm just jealous of these people because they are happy being themselves. So none of that, for now.
So what has been happening lately...hmm year 12? Yeah that, abbreviations such as "wace" , "atar" and "tisc" are everyday language now. I'm supposed be focusing on year 12 but I'm not. I don't even find the motivation to study. it's kinda bad, I'm already beginning to fail my life at the tender age of 17. Sad story.
I joined the gym, and in my grossly unfit state I actually thought that would be a good idea. At least I've improved from 5 push ups to 12 and can rack up the treadmill speed to 13kms an hr for a good few minutes while wiping a torrent of sweat from my forehead (apologies for any mental imagery). It doesn't help when your boyfriend has a "casual" run of 20kms an hour on the treadmill next to you. It's the gym not the Olympics, calm down. In the zumba classes our instructorr encourages us to touch ourselves in an embarrassingly sexual fashion (it's zumba, its ok to touch yourself!), yeah in Brazil maybe. But its good, it makes me feel good being on first name basis with the trainers and not feeling overwhelmingly guilty for a mass consumption of nandos on free-large-chip-tuedays followed by a free-large-upgrade-bubbletea-tuesdays to quench my thirst.
I don't really know the purpose of this post, but I miss blogging, even if the most of the blogging population have been subjected into "tumblr" which I'm yet to discover the appeal for.
And I've just realised I've wasted most of the morning consuming my entire cadbury showbag while listening to some soothing metal pondering on what to actually blog about.
til next time people, ILY.