Why I am up at 2am in the morning blogging away, I have no idea. I have a massive amount of things I feel like saying but a general lack of people who either give a damn or aren’t weighed down by their own problems. Maybe I feel if I write this all out I’ll feel better when I wake up in the morning, but it’s unlikely. I just feel things in my life are continuously fluctuating between good and bad, pleasant and unpleasant, happy and miserable. There is so much conflict and instability in my life right now I feel like it’s becoming unbearable, as if I have to desperately find my footing again and somehow try to gain some certainty. I just feel like I’m going nowhere, that nothing will ever improve, that I’ll never have that level of satisfaction I used to have. Something is always wrong, dragging me down, pressing in the back of my mind, affecting everything. I can never feel as happy as I know I should be, I know I should enjoy myself but it’s a constant struggle. I just can’t help but think : Do I really have a purpose? What am I supposed to be doing with myself? Where am I supposed to be heading? What am I going to do?
It’s not constructive and its draining but it’s how I feel. I’m stuck dwelling in my own negative thoughts, over and over again, drowning me. Everyday I have to think about how much pain and suffering you’ve caused me and somehow I’m supposed to be ok with that, somehow it’s not supposed to matter anymore, but it does. And it hurts, it really heartwrentchingly, crushingly, agonisingly hurts. I just feel like on that day, you destroyed every essence of my being. You killed me.
And now I try not to think about it. I don’t bring it up, I don’t talk about it, I change the subject when others do. But it’s difficult, I have to rebuild myself. Re-evaluate who I am and what is supposedly wrong with me. I just feel awful about it, that I’ll probably never speak to someone again who I have so much history with and among the bad memories, many good ones. But I think you’ve made your choice pretty clear.
But maybe I am doing better now. I no longer believe those words and question myself all the time. Then I think “What the Hell” and do something that used to make me uncomfortable, but now liberates me. And amongst the uncertainty, and fear and insecurity I have those moments, where I think “I will actually be alright” whether I’m racking the treadmill up to 14kms an hr and not slipping off, or stuffing my face on a nandos woman date with my bestfriend or feeling so much affection and acceptance as he puts his arms around me as we look at the stars.
It’s confusing, feeling so loved and wanted by some and absolutely despised, disrespected and unwanted by others. I look at my family and I can tell they don’t want me around. Sometimes when I’m on my own I just feel so overwhelmingly lonely that I know if I let myself feel it completely I would not be able to handle it.
I don’t know if you will ever read this, or if anyone else of any significance will ever read this but I just wanted someone to know how I feel without the judgement, without me having to play it down, without having to pretend I feel ok.
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