words

In my English mock exam there was a question similar to , "Words are important to us, in a form of your choice write about the words which are important to you,". I immediately disregarded the question and moved on to another one which was offered in the writing section. I really had no idea what people could write on that question anyway.
But since then I've thought about it and come up with the most cliche word to use ever; LOVE.
Because when I think about it, "love" really is a significant word to me. More importantly when prefixed by "I" and followed by "you".
Saying "I love you" is on a whole different level to "love you", "i luv u", "ILY".
Telling someone you love them is like making a promise. A promise that you will never do anything to hurt them, because that's what you do when you love someone, really, it's unconditional.
I think I'm in love with Lewis, but hell am I so bloody confused about it. Sometimes when I'm with him I just want to blurt it out but every time I hold back, fear, I suppose, cuts me off. Maybe it's because I can't decide whether I'm in love with Lewis or I just want to be in love with him. It's been two months and I can't tell if that's a long time to wait or not enough time to wait. Once I fell in love with someone within a couple of weeks, and well, that got me absolutely nowhere in the end. It just seems to me people really just throw around the word "love". Just because your in a relationship with someone doesn't mean your in love with them. Sometimes I think maybe it's for the best. Play it safe, don't get hurt. He says I'm "scarred" from past experiences, that he's concerned on what effect those words will have on me if he decides to say them.
Also another very significant word "Trust".
Because he says I don't trust him when really I just don't want to hear those things, those promises, the "I'll never leave you", because someday one of us will have to leave the other no matter how much now you deny it.
"Sorry"
is really translated to "If I say this, will you stop being mad?"
"Hate"
I really wanted to hate you, to ease the pain, make it easier, but I don't, not at all.
"Regret"
Yup, a lot of that at this stage. I should have done more, I should have done less.
I don't like where this has ended up.
.......................................

lolololol since when have i been so insightful anyways.

another emotional post rather than something trying to be funny

Why I am up at 2am in the morning blogging away, I have no idea. I have a massive amount of things I feel like saying but a general lack of people who either give a damn or aren’t weighed down by their own problems. Maybe I feel if I write this all out I’ll feel better when I wake up in the morning, but it’s unlikely. I just feel things in my life are continuously fluctuating between good and bad, pleasant and unpleasant, happy and miserable. There is so much conflict and instability in my life right now I feel like it’s becoming unbearable, as if I have to desperately find my footing again and somehow try to gain some certainty. I just feel like I’m going nowhere, that nothing will ever improve, that I’ll never have that level of satisfaction I used to have. Something is always wrong, dragging me down, pressing in the back of my mind, affecting everything. I can never feel as happy as I know I should be, I know I should enjoy myself but it’s a constant struggle. I just can’t help but think : Do I really have a purpose? What am I supposed to be doing with myself? Where am I supposed to be heading? What am I going to do?

It’s not constructive and its draining but it’s how I feel. I’m stuck dwelling in my own negative thoughts, over and over again, drowning me. Everyday I have to think about how much pain and suffering you’ve caused me and somehow I’m supposed to be ok with that, somehow it’s not supposed to matter anymore, but it does. And it hurts, it really heartwrentchingly, crushingly, agonisingly hurts. I just feel like on that day, you destroyed every essence of my being. You killed me.

And now I try not to think about it. I don’t bring it up, I don’t talk about it, I change the subject when others do. But it’s difficult, I have to rebuild myself. Re-evaluate who I am and what is supposedly wrong with me. I just feel awful about it, that I’ll probably never speak to someone again who I have so much history with and among the bad memories, many good ones. But I think you’ve made your choice pretty clear.

But maybe I am doing better now. I no longer believe those words and question myself all the time.  Then I think “What the Hell” and do something that used to make me uncomfortable, but now liberates me. And amongst the uncertainty, and fear and insecurity I have those moments, where I think “I will actually be alright” whether I’m racking the treadmill up to 14kms an hr and not slipping off, or stuffing my face on a nandos woman date with my bestfriend or feeling so much affection and acceptance as he puts his arms around me as we look at the stars.

It’s confusing, feeling so loved and wanted by some and absolutely despised, disrespected and unwanted by others. I look at my family and I can tell they don’t want me around. Sometimes when I’m on my own I just feel so overwhelmingly lonely that I know if I let myself feel it completely I would not be able to handle it.

I don’t know if you will ever read this, or if anyone else of any significance will ever read this but I just wanted someone to know how I feel without the judgement, without me having to play it down, without having to pretend I feel ok.

Acceptance

Human beings, as social creatures are subjected to human company for the duration of their lifetime. It cannot be avoided. It begins when the human is born and the first other humans they are introduced to are their parents. Parents nurture, educate, discipline and influence the child. The child’s first sense of identity is formed based on their parent’s opinion and influence. They are young, they are inferior, and they are easily influenced. Nothing is questioned. And then that child grows, they develop independence, knowledge, values and views. They are still inferior, they are still a child, and they are still easily influenced. The child becomes a teenager. They think they are in charge, independent, on the same level, they think they know who they are, they think they know what their identity is, what they must do and become. But they don’t. Some develop a sense of identity and independence faster than others. Some rely on friends to validate their self-worth; some rely on boyfriends/girlfriends. Some are comfortable in their own skin; some feel like they need someone to make their right to exist justified. Why is it that some people cannot build themselves up but need someone else? Why is it that some people are never satisfied with what they have? What do they want? Acceptance. Teenagers, trying to form their identity at the same time are craving acceptance, having one may compromise the other. Which is more important? Loving yourself or being loved? Which gives more satisfaction? Is it ok that you compromise your own wants and needs to please others? Or is it worse that you are not accepted because you choose to be yourself? Why is it so difficult for people to accept others? Why is it so difficult for people to accept themselves? Why is it so difficult to disregard someone else’s criticism yet so easy to dismiss someone else’s praise?

Because we are still young, still inferior and still easy influenced. Yet this time it’s not our parents that will determine who we are and what we do its people like us. It’s people who will compromise self-acceptance for acceptance by peers who will in turn not accept others. It’s people not happy with themselves that pick out the most flaws. It’s people who hate themselves who will hate others. It’s people who have been rejected, mistreated, abused who will reject, mistreat and abuse others. No one treats anyone how they want to be treated. No one will accept anyone when they can’t accept themselves. It all comes down to acceptance, approval, self-worth, satisfaction. Human beings are social creatures; after all, acceptance is the key to survival.

a casual post turned into a gym rant

Hello All.
It has been so long since my last post that I'm not even sure what to blog about anymore. It's funny when something so massive and emotionally draining happens in your life that the little things no longer annoy you anymore. I feel kinda bad, superficial for being so cynical, maybe I'm just jealous of these people because they are happy being themselves. So none of that, for now.
So what has been happening lately...hmm year 12? Yeah that, abbreviations such as "wace" , "atar" and "tisc" are everyday language now. I'm supposed be focusing on year 12 but I'm not. I don't even find the motivation to study. it's kinda bad, I'm already beginning to fail my life at the tender age of 17. Sad story.
I joined the gym, and in my grossly unfit state I actually thought that would be a good idea. At least I've improved from 5 push ups to 12 and can rack up the treadmill speed to 13kms an hr for a good few minutes while wiping a torrent of sweat from my forehead (apologies for any mental imagery). It doesn't help when your boyfriend has a "casual" run of 20kms an hour on the treadmill next to you. It's the gym not the Olympics, calm down. In the zumba classes our instructorr encourages us to touch ourselves in an embarrassingly sexual fashion (it's zumba, its ok to touch yourself!), yeah in Brazil maybe. But its good, it makes me feel good being on first name basis with the trainers and not feeling overwhelmingly guilty for a mass consumption of nandos on free-large-chip-tuedays followed by a free-large-upgrade-bubbletea-tuesdays to quench my thirst.
I don't really know the purpose of this post, but I miss blogging, even if the most of the blogging population have been subjected into "tumblr" which I'm yet to discover the appeal for.
And I've just realised I've wasted most of the morning consuming my entire cadbury showbag while listening to some soothing metal pondering on what to actually blog about.
til next time people, ILY.

that one time i had a needle in my butt.

I wish I had something fun and exciting to write about, but it seems the most interesting thing that happened to me this weekend was the absolutely splendid, and highly enjoyable bacterial infection of the tonsils aka TONSILITISSSS. This is kinda embarrassing, but I thought the dangly thing in the back of your throat was your tonsils, well apparently not, it's those two fleshy thingys next to it. Well those two fleshy things decided to swell up nice and inflammed so that the consumption of food and water was practically impossible, unless you enjoyed the feeling of stuffing what it felt like a chainsaw down your throat. mmmm. So anyway, my father became concerned after I refused to eat some nice fish my step mum made and finding that the random drugs he had stored in icecream containers in the pantry were expired he decided to take me to the doctor. So we waited for an epically long time for the doctor, who upon arrival, looked at my throat, took my temperature and then came to the conclusion that I should get a needle in my butt. Now I don't know if your train of thought becomes impaired while sick, but I genuinely thought they were gonna shove a needle into my ass. I was understandably nervous. So the doctor led me to another room where a nurse arrived and asked me if I wanted to bend over or lie down on my stomach. At this point fear was beginning to kick in. So I ended up on my stomach on the elevated mattress thing, eyeing the nurse with instense apprehension, reminding myself why I dreaded going to the doctors before she casually informs me that she would give me the needle at the top of my left butt cheek and not into my ass.
Relief is such an unappreciated emotion.

another angsty teen fml

There was a time when year 12 didn't matter, what you wore didn't matter, who you associated with didn't matter and all this other random teenage crap wasn't festering in my mind, drowning me in my own thoughts.

Turkey mmmm

Me and my beloved companion have begun our own blog - http://aloadofordinary.blogspot.com/
So if you're in the mood for something (hopefully) entertaining and slightly cynical go check it out. I'll stop now before I sound like a car salesman.

Methinks I should get a job at Nandos. Ever since my wondrous manager scammed me into going partime so he could pay me less, I have been yearning to expand my horizons in the poultary fast food industry. From Red Rooster I'll go to Nandos and from Nandos I may go to Chicken Treat, then to Chooks and then KFC and then Steggles and go forward and open my own chicken farm. My future prospects look promising. I may even begin to move into other poultry industries...mmm turkey.

I don't really understand the point of this blog, it isn't my traditional cynical rant....

Oh the other day was my birthday, I'm 17 now OMG. 17 is such an awkward age. Your not 18 so you can't go clubbing and all that fun shizzzzzzz that involves drunkenly stumbling around Northbridge at 1 in the morning before ending up at maccas with blistered feet, holding your high heels and trying to figure out what to buy with your $2.50 but you all those things you did when you were 16 and younger just don't seem exciting or hold their appeal anymore.

oh well. enjoy your holidays.